Oh, Danny boy
The pipes, the pipes are calling
What?
From glen to glen
And down
Are you bored of this?
No. Sorry, it helps me not to come.
Okay.
Down the mountainside
The roses--
You know, it sort of helps me not to come as well.
-Oh, I'm sorry. -No, it's okay.
Come here, then can we--? Can we start again?
Can I come on your face?
Not until I've met your mother.
You're not gonna get obsessed with me, are you?
Would you like me to?
Well, look, I...
I just split up with my girlfriend, so...
I'm not really available.
When?
No, I mean I'm not, like, available, you know, ever.
No, I mean, when did you split up with your girlfriend?
Yesterday.
Was that after the party? After we met?
Yeah.
I felt so bothered by how much I flirted with you at the party
that I broke up with her afterwards.
Right, right.
She was in love with me.
I mean, we weren't together that long, but she was, you know, she was in love.
Maybe she wasn't as in love with you as you think.
Maybe she was just in love with the man in your book.
No.
Used to happen to me all the time.
Still does, actually.
Sorry, I've-- I haven't got around to reading your book.
No, I remember, like, you know, wanting to when it first came out,
and there was all the fuss about it, you know.
There was a lot of fuss.
You might have told me that you had a girlfriend
before I came over.
It would have made a difference?
What--? What's wrong?
I-- I feel I'm being mocked.
How am I mocking you?
It.
You were watching the cat the whole fucking time?
I've been trying not to, but--
-Fuck. -Oh, no, no, no. Hey.
Come back, come back.
Come on, we've never had unsuccessful sex.
Yes, we have.
So he fell in love with a Palestinian woman
when he was a volunteer doctor in Gaza.
And then she ended up getting killed.
I can see how that would sell a million copies.
Two.
Does he fuck heroically?
-All one-night stands are acts of bravery. -Or defeat.
Hey, if you're going to work, do you think you can
-give me a lift down the hill? -Andrea, you really need to learn to drive.
You know that? Or else, you're just not really engaging
with the city at all.
It's better this way. I get more writing done.
Why, because you're trapped?
Yeah. It's good.
So can you give me a lift?
I slept with someone I just met last night.
Was that whorish?
Was that--? Was that a whorish thing to do, do you think?
Oh, well...
you have a whorish vibe about you.
How?
Your clothes, your hair, I mean, your manner, really.
When I first met you, I thought:
"She's... She'd be open to anything."
But that--
-That is not true. -Oh, no, I know it's not.
And I know that you moved out here, you have got yourself clean,
you're going to your meetings, you got yourself together.
Yeah, I have. It's been a year.
Right, so...
if this is the first untogether thing you've done in a year,
it's not really a big deal, is it?
What do you think of this Clooney news?
Haven't you heard? He wants to play you in the adaptation.
I kind of think that George Clooney looks like a...
dirty old uncle.
Oh, God, no. Were you abused?
No.
You saw a best-selling memoir right there in front of your eyes, didn't you?
-No, I mean, a little, maybe. -You're something else. Jesus.
No, I'd take any book you offer me. I'm waiting for you to tell me what it is.
Otherwise, why would I be sweating in California
-when I could be in civilization? -Sorry, it was a happy childhood.
No, no, good. That's good.
Good, jolly good.
Look, I'm a doctor. I wrote a book that moved people.
I don't really know anything about his world of celebrity
-and all that sort of-- -Hi.
I just wanted to tell you that your book
is the most beautiful love story I have ever read in my life.
Oh, thank you.
-Okay... -Nice seeing you.
-Thanks. -Bye.
Bye, bye, bye.
Bye.
What are you thinking about?
I was trying to conjure up what Naima looked like.
It's been so long that I feel like I've almost lost her.
No, she's on the page forever. She's in our hearts forever.
-Oh, no, I'll get this. -No, I'd like to.
Oh, no, no, because I can expense it, don't be ridiculous.
No, I would like to because you're a woman and I'm a man.
You're really beardy.
I've done everything I can, but it's pretty hard with the...
Yeah, I know, it's limiting. I told my wife it would be, but...
she said, "This is one great anniversary present."
It's not you.
-You're very good, actually. -I know.
-What is that? -It's really soothing. A bit of orange,
a little bit of clove and myrrh.
That sounds biblical.
Yes, I do a toner and then I do a microdermabrasion.
And then I take a sword and I sacrifice you to a vengeful Lord.
Just kidding. God steps in and saves you at the end.
So, what do you do?
-I'm a rabbi. -You're kidding.
-No. -You're just saying that
because of what I said. You're making fun of me
-because you have a beard-- -That I grew
just so I could tell people I'm a rabbi? No.
Why are you so surprised?
I just didn't think that you'd be able to do something like this.
-Why? -Well, isn't it vain?
-It feels vain, yeah. -Do you feel like an asshole?
-I... -I'm sorry. I'm a really bad Jew.
I feel weird even touching you.
Like I'm touching the Torah on my period or something. I'm not.
It finished four days ago.
Three days ago.
Oh, well, that explains a lot, I guess.
-Thanks for sharing. -I'm sorry.
-Am I blotchy at all? -No. You're glowing.
Well, good, yeah, it's... I feel like a foreskin.
I don't know why I said that.
-Listen, Tara, thank you very much. -Thank you.
-You did great. -I did?
Yeah, it was a lot of hard work, believe me.
All right, bye.
I wished that I'd asked my dad more about Jew stuff,
but I don't think he knew that much himself.
I mean, he grew up in England and they kind of kept it quiet.
My grandparents sent him to boarding school when he was 4
so he would become less Jewish.
That is awful.
Listen, if you wanna reconnect with your roots,
feel free to come to my congregation, okay?
-I think you'd really enjoy it. -Okay.
Come before I die.
You don't write very well, for a writer.
I'm a doctor.
I could do a post-coital removal of your spleen,
but I think you'd be even less inclined to sleep with me again.
-Again? -Yeah.
What? I thought it went well.
Went well, like a Scrabble game?
Look, we can have a fling, if you want.
-An affair. -Like a "fling-air"?
Yeah, a "fling-air."
How would you--? How would you define that?
Something that's so light as air, that neither one of us
could possibly get hurt.
You know, I bought my cousins a toy once called a Flinger.
It was this sort of long, stretchy jelly-hand thing
and you could fling it at other kids, or if you were feeling bold, at an adult.
-Did you take my shirt? -No.
Maybe we're just better as a one-off.
You know, like all those beautiful one-hit-wonder bands.
No. No. I wanna-- I wanna see you again. I just...
I guess I feel that I don't wanna have to call you.
If you don't want to call me and you do want to have sex with me,
then how will I know if you want the sex?
I'll text you.
You look really great.
Thank you. You too.
It's-- It's been a very long time. Did you fall in love again?
You must have, tell me you did, you must have,
because you love love, so much.
-Why? Did you? -No, I didn't fall in love.
I did get married again, though.
Wow, you like getting married.
Oh, no, the first one doesn't count, right?
I mean, you were-- I mean, practically a child bride.
Sure.
And are you still...
taking smack?
Yeah. Yeah, I do. I do still take heroin.
I smoke it.
You...?
Yeah, no, I got clean.
Twentieth time lucky.
You're just so different to her.
Yeah, well, I had Good Dad.
You saw me when he died. He was the love of my life.
That's not her memory of him.
-How old? -What?
No, no, your dog, not-- Six?
-Six. You're really good at that. -Thank you.
She broke up with me for a month
and all I did was sit on the couch watching The Dog Whisperer, so...
Baby, I've got some news.
What?
-I have... I got a gig. -The house behind the Canyon Store?
No, no, no, not that type of gig.
Like, I mean, like, a "gig" gig.
I am...
putting the band back together.
-What? -Yeah, yeah.
-I mean, just for a night, just for a night. -Oh, my God.
But if it goes well, if it goes well, then I'm gonna do it for another night,
and then another night. And then another night, and another night and...
The Internet is actually fast food that you can eat without chewing.
-And the great thing... -That's his wife.
-It's made the world a smaller place... -I met her.
She can be a controlling bitch.
...libraries...
I'm Rachel. I'm the daughter.
-Oh, hi. -Hi.
The things we need most...
are not informational.
Can Siri Google your soul?
I'd like to end tonight by reminding you that at the end of the month,
we have our rally for Syrian refugees.
I'd like you all to be there
because somebody was there for us when we came.
Somebody was there for your grandfather when he came.
Somebody was there for your great-grandfather when he came.
Somebody was there.
So be there for them.
Shabbat shalom.
Hello, dear. Thank you.
-Hi. -I had a feeling I would see you here.
-You did? -I did. How's my skin look?
-Fine. -Good.
This is actually my first time in a temple, ever.
-Really? -Yeah, except for...
when my dad died last year.
-I'm sorry. -We were more cultural Jews.
-Bagels, Albert Brooks. -Woody Allen.
Albert Brooks. Lost In America, fantastic movie.
-Your daughter's really nice. -No, she's not.
No, I'm just kidding. Yeah, she's lovely. Thank you.
I had nothing to do with that, believe me. Will you come to the rally?
I can't.
My boyfriend's playing a show that night. He's a musician.
He used to be, like, a rock guy before I knew him. Before I was born.
No, just kidding. But, yeah, I should go to that.
Okay. Well, why don't you--? Why don't you bring him next time?
-He's not Jewish. -Doesn't matter.
We extend the branch to all faiths,
and you see how important music is to the service.
I'd love you to bring him. This was a rocking Shabbat. Was it not?
-Yes. -Wait, is it Talia?
-No, it's Tara. -Oh, my bad.
I italianized you, which is the secret wish of all Jewish women.
What are you wearing? It smells amazing.
Oh, I don't think it's anything.
-That's all-- That's natural? -Yes.
Oh, so the last time I saw you, I was naked and covered in honey.
-Hello. -I work at a spa.
-Okay, Tara, thank you for coming. -Thank you.
-It was delightful to see you. -Yes.
You know who she really reminds me of?
-Who's that, dear? -Maria Schneider,
-in Last Tango in Paris. -Oh, I...
-No, I'm telling you. -I'll Google it.
Maybe not.
It's rather racy.
She's a grown woman.
Okay. Beware of the Google.
-Shabbat shalom. -Shabbat shalom.
He marched with Martin Luther King in the Civil Rights Movement.
He's like this electric, famous orator.
He's a total, total rock star.
-Is he a charlatan? -No. Why would you say that?
I wouldn't trust anyone you called a "rock star."
Except Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young.
-You trust all four of them? -No, no. Not Neil.
I don't know why, though, there's something...
Because it looks like a horse peed on his jeans and he left them on
-and let them dry in the sun? -Yes.
-Why are you wearing a bloke's shirt? -This is just my nighty.
You had a one-night stand, now you're wearing his nighty.
It's mine. I earned it.
-It's not even a good one. -How do you know?
Because I used to be able to afford them.
-Stop. -You should send it back.
Do you know where he lives? Because you don't want to be smelling it
-and giving you ideas. -What ideas?
-That it's more than a one-night stand. -It's not, I said that.
He actually asked me if I wanted to have an affair and I said "no."
Do I own you now?
-Yeah. -Yeah?
Okay, I'm late for work, but I told Andrea that you were here,
in case she wanted to do the groceries.
And I might be...
late home tonight because I think I'm gonna stop by the temple again.
Again? Already?
Yeah, I just-- I've been missing Dad a lot and...
I feel like it's a good place to connect with him.
I understand.
When I was 13, we were living on the Lower East Side of New York City,
and two floors above us was a young man named Mickey Schwerner.
Wow, that's a Jewish name.
That's like being called Joey Ribinowitz.
Well, Mickey and his wife Rita lived two floors above us,
and he was older than I was, but he was very good to me,
in a way that older boys are not
because they don't like to be seen with the little kids.
And they were activists, they worked for CORE.
-CORE? -Congress of Racial Equality.
That would definitely be an abs class now.
And they were very brave people,
they were Freedom Riders in the truest sense.
They would go down South and register African Americans to vote.
They would boycott businesses until they desegregated.
They were very inspiring young people,
and it was Mickey who taught me about Dr. King.
And I read everything I could.
And I listened to him whenever I could.
And I just was awestruck.
I know you make a solid living, but I've never seen you actually painting.
I am starving. Do you wanna get breakfast?
Doing the walk of shame, huh?
No. I don't feel shame.
Well, you should. It's a very useful emotion.
You are so fucking judgmental.
You must have been a shit rock star.
No, I was good, actually. And beloved.
Which your sister will find out when she comes to see the show.
I stood next to Mickey just so, by osmosis, I thought I could become a better person.
You know? But it doesn't work by osmosis, no.
You have to walk the walk, talk the talk.
-Ride the bus-- -And 50 years later,
organize a rally for Syrian refugees.
Sorry. I didn't mean to say "Syrian refugees" like it was a bad thing.
It is a bad thing.
Is that pink?
Are you gonna be doing a cover of "Barbie Girl"?
-By Aqua? -Yeah, I fucking know
who sings "Barbie Girl." You've got me pegged wrong, sister.
You got me in the one-hit-wonder camp. But I had two hits.
Two bites of the cherry, so...
You know, I have a picture of George Harrison in my office
because I thought he was the one Beatle that was truest to his ideals.
Yeah, he also spoiled, like, at least three classic albums with his love of sitar.
Wait...
Do you guys want to come with me tonight to a book party?
She's busy.
Okay.
Do you want to come?
No.
No, you're rude... You're-- You're rude.
You look like velvet, but you're Velcro.
Scratchy.
So then what happened with Mickey Jew-inowitz?
Mickey was murdered in 1964 in Mississippi.
Along with two fellow civil-rights workers, James Chaney, Andrew Goodman.
They were beaten, shot to death, buried by members of the KKK.
A long time ago. But that's what got me started.
I didn't know where that story was going.
I'm sorry, I was...
just trying to make you laugh and being a smart-ass.
Tara, you-- No, no, no. You didn't know what I was about to say.
So, what did you wanna ask me?
Your boyfriend is a musician, yes?
-Yeah. -So I was thinking
that maybe you could talk to him about organizing an interfaith concert
in support of the rally.
-Yeah. -Yes?
-Okay. -I think it could be spectacular.
I will do that when I get home.
-Thank you very much. -Okay.
I'm really sorry about Mickey.
Thank you.
Hey.
Hello.
I'm Sevan.
Seven, like a "Seven Nation Army."
No, it's just like Evan with an "S" on the front.
-You're... You're dressed in all '50s. -Sixties.
I once wrote a story for the Paris Review.
It's about this beautiful girl, she worked in a vintage store--
I don't work in a vintage store. I'm a writer.
Oh, well, that's fantastic.
Oh, man, you should keep working at it until you make it.
You know, don't give up.
I'm a published author.
Okay. So, what's the book about? That you're trying to get published.
It's been published, in several different languages.
Okay.
Hey.
Hi.
Where's my wine?
I don't work here.
-Oh, no? -Yeah.
You look like more of a waitress than I do.
Hey.
Hi. Fancy seeing you here.
Yeah, I didn't know you knew Ben and Ginny.
Yeah. Hi.
Hello. I like your vintage dress.
Thanks. It's my superhero costume.
Is it?
Always.
You are quite the Amazon.
That's why she's good to have at a party where we're trying to sell a lot of books.
Hey.
Do you know Andrea Moore?
She wrote Anxiety Is Freedom when she was, what, 23?
Oh, yes, of course. Great book.
-Hey, mate. Sorry, who are you? -Oh, I don't matter.
Come on, mate, everyone matters.
Everyone's got a good book in them too,
-you know. -I don't.
-Gonna go. -Sorry, man.
-Can I talk to you for a moment? -Yeah.
I-- I do not like that guy,
and I don't like this party, I'm going.
-I'm staying. -How are you gonna get home?
Yes, I do remember that book.
Wasn't bad at all, although I don't agree with the philosophy behind:
"Anxiety is freedom."
Even to understand anxiety, it's such a foreign concept to me.
You can go. It's fine.
What would your sister say if I just abandoned you here?
She doesn't care.
She doesn't do what you want her to do,
why would you do what she wants you to do?
-So you're English, are you? -Yes.
-Where are you from? -Golders Green.
-Golders Green. I know. -Yeah.
-On the end of the Tube line. -Yeah.
So I haven't followed you since your first book.
There hasn't been another one. There hasn't been another one.
Andrea moved across coasts, so she's got an epic masterpiece under wraps.
Never leave too long between books.
That's what I always tell my clients.
So I'm so sorry, but you're really, really reminding me of someone.
It is on the tip of my tongue, so just give me three, two-- I have it.
I have it, and I bet you get it all the time.
Amy Winehouse.
No.
-I never got that. -It's a compliment.
How was your night?
Can't complain.
Wait a sec.
What do you think would be the most difficult song to make love to?
Now, you're always playing this mood music.
And I feel like you play it for all the girls, but what would be a challenge?
-Oh, God. -No?
"Free Nelson Mandela"?
-Do you have that? -No.
Punk would be tricky.
No, it's not. Oh, okay.
I've got it.
Yes, yes.
This better be good.
Just wait for it.
-Can you leave your scrubs on, please? -Of course.
So is this okay?
-That I do this in front of you? -Yeah.
I never had a problem with drink.
You do, though.
Don't you have work today?
No.
Today's my day off.
It's my drinking day.
Look at you.
You're so fucking sexy.
I fucking love fucking you.
You're not exactly a natural wordsmith, are you?
Yeah.
Come back.
I've got a conference call with my agent.
Do you still have an agent?
I don't know, to be honest.
Come back.
Hi.
Hi. Careful, my hair clip.
Why are you reading TMZ?
If you're gonna waste time, can't you do it on a less disgusting site?
Founded by one of your congregants.
-Well, it's disgusting. -I know.
-And that's why everyone hates the Jews. -That's not why--
Everyone does not hate the Jews. You say that because you had Bad Dad.
Right. So I have good reason.
-I don't wanna read it. -Neither did I, until I got sucked in,
correcting all the grammatical errors, which took forever.
You copyedited the Daily Mail?
I tried to upload the fixed version of it, but they weren't very receptive.
No more talking to crazy people. You spent a long time to get well.
-You should be talking to sane people. -What sane people?
There aren't any left. I don't have an agent.
I can't talk to Nick, who's much too successful to just talk.
-And you guys don't wanna hang out with me. -Okay, that's not true.
These are so good.
Angel?
What's wrong?
Nothing. It's just...
that time of the month.
Is there anything I can do?
No.
Baby.
It's so wonderful, you women...
the way you--
You cleanse yourself.
Hey.
I just want you to feel close to me again.
Do you wanna come to services with me?
I thought you'd never ask.
It's really nice of you to brought me.
But...
I should go to band practice because we've only got a week left.
Should I go? Right?
Everybody, clap your hands.
-Oh, fuck off. -Martin.
Any prayer that is whispered
In this world
And the next world
Enjoy yourself.
-Hi. -Hi there.
-Hi.
-And you must be... -Martin.
Martin, I'm David. Josie.
-Hello. Pleasure. -I hear you're a fantastic musician.
And I'll paint your house for 100 quid.
-Wow, is that good? -No, not really.
-Well, we're big fans of your girl here. -Yeah-- Well, woman.
Always end up explaining that.
To whom?
Myself, I think.
-I really loved the dancers. -That was Josie's idea.
They're part of the rally at the end of the month. Sorry you can't make that.
-No, unfortunately, we can't. -We can't.
-Okay. -Okay.
Boy, the Holocaust was a terrible business, wasn't it?
I mean, just...
terrible business.
I...
Why's it taken you so long to write again?
I got clean.
When's the last time you went to a meeting?
I go twice a week.
So the last time I went was a month ago.
That guy, that is a serious-- Look at-- He is a seriously good-looking dude.
Look.
He's not a writer.
He's a doctor.
He doesn't slave over sentences, he's just a chancer who got lucky.
Fuck me.
You're in love with him and jealous of him as well.
There is no true love.
Only a finely tuned jealousy.
Did you write that?
-Yes. -No, you didn't.
It's a Manic Street Preachers B-side.
My influences are diverse.
All I'm saying is that something really sad happened to him,
and all he had to do was write it down.
He had to feel it.
He had to translate the feeling.
Good day's work?
I'm sorry. I was just...
really focused on this thing.
-I got you a Torah. -You're proselytizing now?
No, I just thought that you might get something out of it.
Thanks.
-What's wrong with Perry? -What do you mean?
I mean, he looks really weird.
He always looks weird.
All right, I'm gonna take him to the vet.
Okay, Perry.
Perry, I'm gonna take you to the vet just as soon as I get back, okay?
I keep thinking of you there in Gaza
and all that you went through, and...
Yeah. Come here.
Everything I wanna say is so crazy, I just wanna be stopped.
Hey.
-You okay? -Yeah.
-No. -Sorry.
When you say to me...
that you wanna own me...
why are you saying that?
Because you're beautiful.
-Why do you wanna be owned? -I--
Because I wanna be corralled by someone.
I want...
I wanna be led to some sort of safety and confinement.
I wish you didn't do this to yourself.
So do I.
It was the strangest thing,
waiting for my dad to come home from tour.
Just waiting for him to pay attention
to anything but his fucking band.
You know, and just...
But he couldn't because then he would come home...
And he would come home and he'd just wanna get strung out.
That's horrible.
So then when I was 15,
I decided I'd join him.
And I did.
Jesus Christ.
It worked, I think, for a few weeks.
But then he was so upset by what he'd done...
-and he got clean. -Something cracked in him, I guess.
And I got stuck, you see.
I got stuck, I got hooked.
I got hooked and I couldn't get off of it.
You're all right.
I'm here.
Perry?
Perry.
So your cat hadn't urinated in over four days.
He has crystals in his urine that can't pass through the tip of the urethra
in his penis because it's too narrow.
In extreme cases, we castrate them, and we reconstruct a vagina
so that the urethra is wide enough for the crystals to pass.
I'm afraid that's what we need to do to Perry.
You're joking?
No, I'm serious.
He'll die otherwise.
Be happy you got him here in time.
And that you gave him a unisex name.
-Hey. -Where the fuck were you?
I was helping the rabbi archive sermons.
-Of course you were. -What's that supposed to mean?
You think this man's gonna change your life like some magical unicorn?
-I don't think that he's a unicorn. -You think he's a Pegasus?
Some sort of Yiddish leprechaun?
One who's going to grant you a wish and lead you to your pot of gelt?
Oh, so should I be like you?
Chasing a man in the prime of his career and screwing every girl he can,
texting you when he can possibly remember to give a fuck!
Ladies!
Calm down.
Hi, gorgeous. I missed you--
All right. No.
You can't be here to talk about promotion.
You're flogging a dead horse here.
No, I'm not. We're not flogging anything.
You excuse me a minute?
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
It's okay.
Fuck.
Fuck!
If I get the risotto, you'll help me out with that, would you?
The ninth printing of your "memoir" has been halted, effective immediately.
-Why? -All existing copies are being pulped,
and you know why.
Don't know why.
Oh, God, don't do this. This is dull.
-Are we really gonna do this? -I don't know why. Can you fill me in?
You see, Nick,
there wasn't a Naima.
You made her up.
Your whole tragic love story was an invention.
I'm so sorry.
I actually don't think that you are.
When I realized that you'd figured it out, I went into the...
The bathroom and I vomited into the trash can.
Show me the vomit.
-What? -If you were in the bathroom,
by a loo,
why would you vomit into a trash can?
You see, Nick,
it just doesn't make sense.
I'm sorry you found out.
Are you around?
Can you come by tonight, please?
Come by tonight?
I need to talk to you.
Because I-- I feel like I can't...
Shiny, happy people holdin'
Shiny, happy people--
Hey.
Do you think that Martin's gonna be okay for his show?
Yeah. I mean, he's certainly excited about it.
Mainly for you to be there.
You've never seen that part of his life.
Right. But do you--? Do you think that he's ready?
He's definitely been eating in preparation for it.
-Has he? -Tara, he's gained like 10 pounds
in the last week.
Oh, shit, it's him.
-Hi. -Hi, baby. It's your baby.
Sorry, baby. I can't really hear you right now.
That's because he's eating the phone.
He's accidentally dialed the number with his tooth. No!
Let me call you right back. Okay, I love you too. Bye.
Are you just bathing in your bras and underwear?
I'm washing them. Killing two birds with one stone.
Yeah, but then you're just stewing in your own filth.
Always.
Pared the set list down from 12 to 10.
Gonna leave them wanting more, blah, blah, blah, and sold 400 tickets.
Can we get home?
Sir, can I ask you, how old are your dogs?
Is the one that you're holding 6 or 7? And your son's, 3?
Seven and 3, yeah.
Seven and 3.
I've still got it, baby.
-I really, really need to pee. -So go.
Look, right there. I painted the sign myself.
-That doesn't look like a lady. -And yet you know that that is a lady.
I'll just skip it.
Because I'm not Basquiat, you'd rather, what, piss in your pants?
Yeah, I would.
Okay.
Basquiat was an "abstractist," so that wasn't a good example.
Wittgenstein was a philosopher,
and he said that if you recognize something as a sign,
then it is a correct sign.
That's a lady.
What?
I'm sure I'm not the first kid to piss myself on that jungle gym.
You're not a kid.
Just because you're younger than me. You're an adult. You're meant to be.
Is there any situation in which you wouldn't be attracted to me?
What?
I'm not attracted to you right now.
Okay? You're scaring me.
What--? What's with you?
What's changed? What have I done? It's like I annoy you.
-Yeah, you're annoying. -You're a fucking cunt!
Do you want those washed?
That was unforgivable.
You're beautiful.
-You're not a cunt. -I am, though.
-I hate it. -I didn't wanna spoil the surprise,
-but I've written you a song. -I don't wanna hear it right now.
I'll play it for you tomorrow night.
Okay.
Why weren't you answering me?
I was going crazy.
My cat actually had an emergency sex change.
It cost 5000 dollars.
They found, like-- Crystals got caught in his urine and they had--
They actually blocked his penis.
And then they had to remove it, the entire thing.
It kind of felt like a sign.
I mean, the castration part.
I think we should break up.
Why?
If what we have is meaningless,
then what meaning is there in breaking up?
Have you lost weight?
Why?
Your boobs look smaller.
Do you want your money back?
No. Jesus, what do you think of me?
Look, you were just so sad last time you were here, I was worried.
So worried that you had to leave while I was sleeping.
I had to clear my head.
I really don't know you. I mean, other than your memoir.
Look, I'm a good guy.
-Really. -I know.
It says so in your novel.
-R.E.M. -I don't want to listen to R.E.M. right now.
Okay, right, R.E.M., they were seen as hollow
just because they were so fucking popular.
But they were special.
And just because they were on the radio all the time,
it doesn't negate the songs that Michael Stipe wrote.
Are you saying that you are the Michael Stipe of this situation?
No.
I loved...
the part in your novel where you say...
-Wait. I'm sorry. You read my novel? -that the mouth--
Of course. I had to.
I had to piece you together.
We have great sex.
Thank you.
No, I mean...
It's not you, it's just chemistry.
Okay.
What do you think it means?
I think it means that we're...
We're compatible in some way.
But you don't want that.
No.
And neither do you.
Oh, hey. Thank you.
Hello there.
So we're in a little bit of a delay right now. There's...
a lot of traffic.
People can't get here.
I guess the moral of the story is, don't schedule a rally
during rush hour in Los Angeles.
But people are coming, and we're hoping for a very large turnout
because this is such-- Such a test of people's compassion.
-Okay. -Thank you.
Okay, the ones that are here are really passionate.
Oh, please don't.
There is nobody here.
-Well-- -I can't.
-No, there's-- -I can't. Jo.
There's a really freak accident-- Okay, they're coming.
We don't even have enough for a minyan man march.
What is wrong with people?
Oh, my God.
-Hi. Hello. -Oh, hey, hey.
-Nice. -Meet Andrea. My--
My girlfriend's big sister.
-The older one. -Let's go.
You-- You don't-- No.
-Nice to meet you. -You too.
It's so smoky.
-Well, it is a club. -It's like...
Yeah, but I can't-- I gotta sing.
Can you stop being such an old man?
Not really.
Where is she?
I mean, she must be on her way. She's probably having trouble parking.
I have to do something. I'm sorry.
-What? -It's going to help.
-I promise. -Oh, no, no, no.
-Please. Please. -Fuck off. Fuck off.
-I want you to look great. -Look, I'm-- I'm old.
I mean--
But you can be old and sexy too.
Let me just...
All right. Oh, sorry.
Okay.
What gives this mess some grace?
Unless it's kicks, man
Unless it's fiction
Unless it's sweat or it's silence
What hits against this chest
Unless it's a sick man's hand
From some mid-level band
Who's been driving too long
On a dark moonless night
With the step we go on
And the town's flying by
And the ground getting soft And the sound--
-Hey. -Hi.
Hey.
I am convinced that I will not get
So broke up again
And on a seven-day high
That heavenly song
Punches right through my mind
And it burns through my blood
And I know it's a lie
But I still give my love
And my heart's all undone
For your hands to pluck off
What gives this mess some grace?
Unless it's fiction
Unless it's fixed, man
Unless it's lies or it's love
Hi.
I'm...
happy to see you, but I didn't expect to see you.
You had plans to see your boyfriend's show or something.
-Yeah, plans change. -Okay.
Wanna tell you
That your love isn't lost
Take my heart, it's still crossed
Screaming so wonderful
What a dream in the dark
About working so hard
Actually, plans didn't change.
I just wanted to be here with you.
Believe in the light on your own
I didn't realize you could sing like that. I didn't know.
-I'm sorry. I'm so impressed. -Where was she?
She didn't tell me what a big deal you were.
She doesn't really know.
-Where was she? -I don't know.
Hi. Can I get you a drink?
Thank you, no. I'm taken. But thank you, though.
Okay.
Come on.
What, you--? You crazy?
She only wanted to buy you a drink.
Fuck Tara. She isn't fucking here.
You want me to cheat on your sister? That's not gonna happen.
No. No, I'm not. I would not like you to cheat on my sister.
-But I would like her to treat you better. -She treats me fine.
Then where is she?
Yeah, you're right. She should be here.
I can't.
Why?
It won't make me any younger.
It won't make me less committed to another woman.
Tara. But I can't.
You're gonna make a lot of mistakes in your life.
I don't want to be one of them.
Sorry.
You look like her. You smell like her.
But you were nice to me, and I...
It's okay.
Didn't mean anything.
Just that you're not happy.
So why do you put up with it?
Because I love her.
How was it?
He kissed me.
For a second.
He thought I was you.
He wanted me to be you.
Of course he wants me to be you.
You should've been there. It was-- You missed out.
I don't wanna be with you anymore.
Okay, just...
Tell me what I need to do to fix it.
Why don't you kiss my sister again?
Oh, fuck off.
You're a coward.
Hey.
How old's your dog? Nine, 10?
She's 1.
Don't look at my dog.
He doesn't have to go back to Australia.
I told him he didn't even have to move out of the house.
Of course he does.
You're so fucking selfish.
I mean...
when you love someone...
your lives intertwine.
You take responsibility for them.
-He took responsibility for you. -Yeah, he's older than me.
You should have taken responsibility for him.
Are you going to be okay?
I don't really have much of a choice.
Do I?
Yes, you do.
You could fall into a pit of sorrow and despair.
Yeah. That's a choice.
You?
I'm going to dwell
and turn the sadness over and over in my mouth like a fine wine.
Of course you are.
I'm gonna leave you with some words of wisdom.
If I may.
You keep trying to get inside of this man,
and you're banging your head against the sky because you can't,
but he is...
just someone you've conjured so you don't have to deal with reality.
Are you free?
Would you like a regular facial or an express?
Doesn't matter.
Regular, I guess. I...
I just wanna say that I'm sorry if I ever hurt you.
Close your eyes.
I'm just gonna leave this for 10 minutes.
I'll be outside.
Damn it.
Time's up.
This is fucking ridiculous.
Yeah? Well, I'm not.
Fucking killing me.
Andrea. Andrea, wake up.
Look. Look. Look.
What am I looking at?
There wasn't really a Naima.
So who was there?
No one. He's just a man alone with a story in his head.
That is so fucked. Are you pissed?
-No. -Why?
Because...
we all make up stories.
We all lie.
I don't.
Yes, you do. You lied to yourself that the rabbi was going to marry you.
I'm not saying that as a judgment. I'm really not. I mean--
I-- I've been lying that I am finishing my book.
You are finishing your book. You're almost done.
No. I'm absolutely not.
The only thing I wrote this summer was a few clever texts to Nick.
-Oh, and I wrote an essay. -That's good.
I sent it out about two weeks ago. Still waiting to hear back.
You'll like this.
You copyedited the Torah.
Yeah.
There were too many "ands." Look, I'll show you.
"And Abraham went up out of Egypt and he went on his journeys
from the south to Bethel, and Abraham called down the name of the Lord."
It's too much.
But you read it.
The whole thing?
Yes.
So you really are a doctor.
-I really am a doctor. -And you really did volunteer in Gaza.
Yeah.
But there was no Naima.
There was an Arab girl...
at a McDonald's that I thought was really pretty.
-What? -She stayed in my head.
And what happened to her?
She just stayed in my head.
Really, that's amazing.
That's real writing.
That's experience strained through imagination. Do you know that?
You know, I only lied about love. That was the...
The only thing I lied about.
That's why everyone's so upset.
If you had lied about anything else, they would have forgiven you by now.
And my editor said that...
she knew all along that there was something hollow at the heart of all this.
She didn't.
No.
She actually wants me to go on The View to apologize.
Don't do that. You shouldn't do that.
I don't feel I have to. I don't think what I did was so wrong.
I just made it how I wanted it to be.
What about you? You think I'm a horrible person?
Yes.
I do.
But not because of that.
I actually like you more now.
Don't do that.
What, like you?
Yeah.
Why? Does it make you like me less?
Yeah.
You're a pretty great girl otherwise.
Bye.
Do you want to introduce yourself, Nick?
Do I really need an introduction?
Please.
I'm Nick, and I'm...
And I'm a doctor.
And I'm...
I'm also...
I'm also kind of a writer.
Well, I was kind of a writer, but I couldn't really write.
But I did come up with a good story.
And?
Yep, and...
And I'm a prick and a liar, and I deserve everything that befell me.
Everything that...
I deserve everything that happened to me.
"Befell" is overwritten.
Holy shit.
I'm in fucking rehab, and you're gonna drive me back to drink.
I don't drive.
Oh, fucking brilliant, Andrea.
New Yorker-worthy. Oh, but wait.
It didn't come out of my mouth, so why would you bother using it?
Oh, you don't like the article?
What are you talking about? No, I loved it.
I love having my life spread across the fucking page for the world to read.
You did it yourself.
I did it to myself? Are you fucking kidding me?
This isn't even writing.
You made me do things to you so you'd have something to write about again.
-You realize that? -I didn't make you do anything.
Except I'm fucking here! I'm here! But what, it's fiction?
Yes, it's fiction. It's my fiction.
It's from my pen to my paper. It's mine as soon as it hits the page.
But you're describing me.
You're describing my cock and what I like to drink.
-You're writing about how I am in bed. -So what?
"So what?"
I wish I'd never met you.
I could've put it anywhere. I could've had anyone.
It's just filling holes. Those fucks we had were not worth it.
They were for me.
Yeah? Well, you're a fucking vampire!
Crack, right?
Fuck you! Fuck you!
Fuck you in the ass with my titties!
Fuck you!
Fuck you in the ass with my titties!
Hello.
-Hi, Andrea? -Yeah.
Just checking in to see how things are healing.
Who is this?
This is the Animal Surgical and Veterinary Hospital.
Oh, hi. Hi. Yeah, I can't get him to stop licking the wound.
If he keeps licking the wound, it isn't gonna heal properly.
So you have to cover it, but not with a bandage.
So then...
With what, then?
A T-shirt.
Look at all the different elephants. Seven, eight...
A holographic one.
With a massive trunk coming through.
Someone's massive, massive, massive 3D trunk.
What's the name of that week-long, intensive driving course
that you wanted me to take?
Shiny, happy people holding
Shiny, happy people laughing
Why are you going to him when you just sent him away?
Because I made a really, really bad mistake.
Maybe, but you're 23. You're allowed to get it wrong.
And you can tell him that.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
All right.
I'll carry it for you.
This right here?
There you go.
Make sure you check the mirrors. Make sure they're all in place.
Oh, look, you're not going too far with these on, though. Let me get that.
Oh, okay.
I shouldn't have shouted like that.
My throat still hurts.
I finally had the guts to reread what you wrote about us...
and this time it made me want to die 52 percent less.
I felt the writing was...
great.
Haiku for Perry.
Crystals are for snow and jewels.
Not good in cats.
Girls are better anyway.
Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Or your ire.
You can come up here to me.
How've you been?
I got smacked in the face at a bus stop by a crackhead.
Jesus Christ.
Did they catch him?
It was a her, and, no, they didn't.
It's the LAPD. Do you think they care?
Probably not.
I care.
Can I stay with you?
Here.
Yes.
But your face is making me shy.
It's making me shy too.
Do you remember...
what you said...
-the first night when--? -None of that means anything to me.
Can we just start again?
Do you want to drive us to breakfast?
I can't drive without a passenger who has a license.
All right.
If neither of us are capable of driving, I guess we're just gonna have to walk.